It has taken me so long to post because 1) life is crazy and I STILL haven’t unpacked from our trip to Texas and 2) I wasn’t sure what I wanted to blog about. My tiny little mind has had a lot to process, and I feel like your vacuum cleaner when it gets snagged on a huge rug- trying as hard as it can to suck up, well, a huge rug. You actually have to turn off the vacuum cleaner or be a super-hero and pull out the rug. Maybe that’s what I need, to turn my brain off. Or maybe a super-hero. But not really. I want to learn as much as God will teach me about himself during this time.
Most of you know that Mary was born March 9th and is now in heaven. She knows more about Jesus than I ever will on this earth. If you want to know more about Amanda and Hayden’s journey and see pictures of sweet Mary you can check our their blog http://staggfamily.wordpress.com/. It has been so strange for me, as the big sister, not to be able to help Amanda in any way that I already know how to do. I’ve never been through anything like this, and she hasn’t either. I was the kind of big sister that would make her bed for her so she wouldn’t get in trouble. (don’t think i was perfect, cause i still made her be my slave for a day before i would have a sister day with her) But, I can’t do that now. I can’t take her pain, so she won’t hurt. I don’t even know what to say half the time. I have this mental picture of her walking down a beautiful road hand-in-hand with Christ, and I am stuck behind a gate and can’t follow. I can see her look back, wave and smile and continue without me. Only people who have suffered as she has can go down that road. Being Mary’s Aunt has allowed me to go a partial way with her, but the full road is for her and Christ alone. For the first time in my life I understand “blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” The only reason you are blessed if you mourn is because you receive comfort. From God. It is a place deep in the heart of God reserved for those who truly suffer. And what more could a believer ask for, but more depth in Christ? Suffering is hard and awful, but you get Jesus like you’ve never had Jesus before.
The night Mary was buried all of us Capps girls were in the kitchen grieving over what we had just had to do with our precious Mary. I looked at Amanda and I told her, that if I was God, I would have done it. I would have healed Mary for her. But I’m not. And He didn’t. I have walked with God long enough not to be afraid of my questions. I didn’t question God’s goodness or His power. I just didn’t understand why. And I still don’t, but he rarely tells us the why. And, here is where He totally blew my mind. I think a few posts back I blogged about how we can honor God in the mundane of our lives. This past week God has shown me how when our thoughts are on Christ during the mundane, He can turn your kitchen floor into hallowed ground. I was washing the dishes and listening to Shawn McDonald’s song “Captivated”; my heart was overcome with love for Christ. And it hit me. This is why He is God! Only my God, only Jesus, can make you love Him even when you don’t understand. No matter what I would go through or what He would let my sister go through, He will always make my heart love Him. I found so much peace in knowing that no matter what EVER, my heart will always love Him. He is that good. He is that irresistible. Only a mighty and powerful God could make a man who had just watched his entire family drown in the ocean pen the words, It is Well With My Soul. Or a mom who just buried her child sing that song with true joy on her face, as my sister did. I think in some circles this is called perseverance of the saints, but how simple that term is when you feel love for the only God flood your soul even in the midst of atrocities. Thank you, Jesus, that you work up my love for You all by yourself and not by my high thinking or right reasoning!
Please continue to pray for my wonderful and amazing family!
Pictures and updates to come!